MEN DON’T CHANGE
(And Other Complementarian BS)
“Men don’t really change,” the counselor told them. “Women are always changing, adapting, but men pretty much stay the same.”
A well-meaning, middle-aged, Evangelical Christian woman once shared with me this piece of marital “wisdom.” At first, she thought her counselor was speaking nonsense…until she saw her husband nodding in total agreement.
Of course, I wasn’t there, so I can’t speak to the purpose behind the counselor’s words. However, I’m apt to agree with her.
Don’t get mad yet.
A few months before we got married, my now-husband and I — both of us about 22-years-old at the time — sat in our then-pastor’s church office for a premarital counseling session, a requirement of his if we wanted him to officiate our wedding.
He instructed us to read a book ahead of time, which we skipped — and often laughed — through, shaking our heads at all the complementarian BS that we both thought was crazy.
(“Complementarianism” is a theological view, still held by many Christians, that men and women have different, but complementary, roles. It’s a “separate but equal” kind of deal.)
Less than four years before, I would not have laughed through the book. But, something between my college years and my relationship with my liberally-minded boyfriend, and separation from my missionary parents, had begun changing the way I thought.
My fiancé and I entered the counseling session mostly in survival mode; we wanted to get through the session, maybe learn something about each other, but mostly, we wanted a pastor for our wedding.
At one point, the pastor looked directly at my husband and said, “It’s your job to love your wife.” He expanded a bit on sacrificial love (“as Christ loved the church”), and my husband nodded.
Then, a few moments later, he looked over at me and said, “It’s your job to support him as the head of your family. Your job is to help him reach his spiritual potential.”
While at the time, I wanted to laugh, his words stuck in my head.
What about me? I wondered. What about my spiritual potential?
People change…but only if they want to.
Relationship 101 says that we shouldn’t enter into relationships expecting the other person to change, and especially not expecting to change the other person.
I shouldn’t expect my husband to change.
When we speak our vows, we’re promising to accompany that person, despite what life may bring.
But, it’s a two-way street.
The issue with complementarianism is that it claims to value the roles of women, “talks them up” so they experience fulfillment, while also keeping them underfoot.
It keeps them from leadership positions in the church. It keeps them nodding their heads while their husband makes important moral and spiritual decisions that affect their lives and their families. It constantly gives men the upper hand.
When the pastor told me my role was to help my husband “reach his spiritual potential,” he said it with the conviction that my role was vitally important.
And, it is. Sure. Couples should aim to bring out the best in one another.
When the counselor says that “men really don’t change,” she’s probably right.
Because in systems like complementarianism, men are permitted to find a pace, a rhythm, a life that suits them. They can make decisions and carve out a space of personal comfort.
Women, meanwhile, readjust, adapt, and nod their heads (sometimes while biting their tongues).
Purity culture reinforces the idea that women have to adapt for men.
Growing up, my mom placed strict rules about my bathing suits. Until high school, she absolutely prohibited anything that showed a bit of stomach.
I attended a small, private Christian school that wouldn’t let us wear skirts or shorts higher than the crease at the back of the knee. Before the big dance, girls had to put on their dresses and have a female authority figure approve it.
This was framed as an issue of “protecting the boys.”
Because, in order to help our boys reach their “spiritual potential,” girls shouldn’t give them a reason to think lustful thoughts.
Because men stray, but women don’t. And it’s *so important* for us as women to help men reach their spiritual potential.
Yes, women tend to adapt; sometimes forcibly.
In complementarianism, EVERYONE loses.
Don’t mistake this post as a rant against men because when someone loses, we all lose.
In this scenario, men are permitted to stagnate. They’re distanced emotionally from their families. They place undue pressure on themselves. They easily feel emasculated.
To both the men and women: remember that you can change. IF YOU WANT TO.
Everyone has a right to self-transformation, to wholeness, to growth, to emotional wellness.
Even men. Even women.
