The Heaviness of Unreachable Moral Expectations: How Christian Fundamentalism Hurts Children

…And Makes Hypocrisy the Norm

On June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court struck down all state bans on same-sex marriage, making same-sex marriage legal throughout the country. Around that time, the school I worked for — a private Christian school certified through the Association of Classical Christian Schools (ACCS) — added a new statement in its student/parent handbook regarding marriage, gender, and sexuality…a kind of protection against any potential conflict with students or teachers in the school (many of whom vocally supported the same beliefs in the classroom).

I’m not going to name the school here, partly because there are many schools with similar statements (just Google “Christian school statement on sex”).

Here is an excerpt:

We believe that God has commanded that no intimate sexual activity be engaged in outside of a marriage between a man and a woman.

We believe that any form of sexual immorality (including but not limited to adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, bisexual conduct, pornography, and attempting to change one’s biological sex or otherwise acting upon any disagreement with one’s biological sex) is sinful and offensive to God.

We believe that God offers redemption and restoration to all who confess and forsake their sin, seeking His mercy and forgiveness through Jesus Christ.

(Side note: I erased a number of “supporting” Bible verses from this excerpt because I don’t want to get into biblical exegesis.)

The new section of the handbook was presented to us, the faculty, as a side note at the beginning of the year. It was presented as: “Sorry we have to do this; I know it’s all obvious but, just so you know…we added this super strong statement into our handbook.”

Long story short, I was a mess.

My journey to work at this school — the same school that I attended from middle school through high school — was a bit bizarre, but to summarize, I was offered the job by an old teacher of mine, who had since become administration, during a time in which I desperately needed work.

During my time there, I felt that I had very little in common with my coworkers, but because I graduated from the same school, the place had this feeling of home and familiarity. Walking down its halls, I felt equal parts “this place is full of crazy people” and “I love these kids; I was these kids.” Despite my differences with much of the school’s philosophy, my students and the connection I had with them kept me working and kept my mouth shut…but that’s for another blog post.

Of course, I understood that these beliefs were commonly held among my coworkers. Maybe, somehow, I thought that by being different, I could at least influence my students to open their minds. As I said, my love for my students was like an anchor during my six years of teaching there.

So now, finally, a few years removed and a few more degrees liberated from this place, I want to address this statement head on.

And, I want to drive this point home:

Fundamentalism HURTS children.

Let’s break it down.

According to this statement, God finds the following activities “offensive” and “sinful,” in need of forgiveness:

— Intimate sexual activity (what does that mean?) between a man and a woman outside of marriage

— Homosexuality

— Bisexual conduct

— Pornography

— Changing your sex or acting as if you’re of a different biological sex

Now, one by one.

1. “Intimate Sexual Activity”

What the heck counts as intimate sexual activity?

Kissing? Touching? Blow jobs? Sex itself?

The need to add “intimate” here implies that either there are intimate sexual acts which are not sex which are sinful. There is a lot of room here for interpretation.

Reality check: 9 out of 10 Americans have had sex outside of marriage.

If we expand to whatever they’re referring to as “intimate sexual activity,” then I’m confident the number is higher.

2. Homosexuality

Studies time and time again have shown that conversion therapy and other efforts to change an adolescent’s sexuality is a horrible idea. This has led to conversion therapy being banned in 20 states. At the same time, five countries have outright banned it for children under 18.

There is no debate here.

If the children in your care, in this case a school’s care, identify as gay or lesbian, labeling their nature as “offensive to God” and telling them to seek redemption is actively abusing them.

3. Bisexual Conduct

Again, the ambiguity here is astonishing. What could possibly be classified as “bisexual conduct”?

Is having fun with someone of the same sex and being interested in their body “bisexual conduct”? Is flirting with both sexes “bisexual conduct”? Is it kissing? What?

One can imagine the possibilities and fears that could arise from being an awkward, self-conscious adolescent told that “bisexual conduct” is a horrible sin, worthy of being put in the school handbook.

4. Pornography

While use of pornography is difficult to measure (because most people are still too ashamed to admit watching it), the porn industry is HUGE. In 2013, Buzzfeed estimated that nearly 220 million unique visitors per day to the major sites at the time alone. While coming up with a specific number proves difficult, again, due to the privacy of much of the porn industry, it is certainly a multibillion dollar industry. For some interesting reading, you can check out Pornhub’s annual data releases.

Look, the point is this…pornography is widespread.

Then, what is the point of adding this note to a school’s statement on sexuality? How many of the students, teachers, board members themselves are watching porn?

5. Changing your sex or acting “in disagreement with” your biological sex

Clearly, gender is not binary, and it’s not static.

But again, we’re returning to something which is clearly not a choice. In fact, increasingly, we’re seeing scientific evidence, i.e. signs in the brain, which indicate noticeable similarities between the brains of people who identify as a sex they were not born into and people who were born of that sex.

…Not that we need scientific evidence to support people’s mental health and leave them in peace…

Additionally, acting “in disagreement with” your biological sex is another incredibly ambiguous statement.

Clearly, Christian fundamentalists are not known for their trust in science in general, and if it were possible to sway their minds with some scientific evidence and extra-biblical reasoning, the world would certainly look a bit different.

But, these are kids.

Rambling off a list of moral expectations, which seem to actually go against normal human nature (thou shalt be the 3% of people who do not engage in sexual activity outside of marriage), and denouncing these acts as repugnant to their Creator, meanwhile likely having committed many of these so-called sins themselves…

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Fundamentalism tosses normal human experiences to the fire, and what’s worse is that there are schools like this one which only suppresses and guilts adolescents for being human.

I find it less offensive that someone would hold these beliefs than I do that someone would openly spout them to teenagers, who will ultimately fail.

The hypocrisy of this doesn’t need to be in plain sight to be real. And, because the subject matter is sexuality in this case, it will remain secret, by and large.

The heaviness of impossible moral expectations is crushing.

As the child of missionaries, I was trained in how to engage someone in a spiritual conversation that would lead them to Christ, that would lead to the gospel.

Anyone would find the prospect of this conversation difficult, but for someone with social anxiety, who could barely speak to someone without trembling, it was even harder.

I felt constant guilt at not being able to engage people in those conversations. I was terrified of people, terrified of sharing my faith, of trying to save them, but I was taught that the alternative for my friends and acquaintances was hell.

I felt like a failure, like I wasn’t compassionate enough, that I wasn’t trying hard enough. I felt entirely inadequate.

A life in which you have to constantly seek redemption for offenses against God isn’t a life of freedom.

Redemption doesn’t erase guilt. It doesn’t erase feeling like a failure. In fact, it may exacerbate it.

How about this alternative?

How about recognizing our own comfort levels, our own expectations?

And how about leaving the kids alone?